Friday, June 24, 2011

who IS getting it?

I feel like every summer I arrive back at these conclusions about the gospel. Literally every summer I struggle with the gospel, have questions about the gospel, don't live in the gospel, and wonder...who in my life is getting it. Who is living in the freedom of Christ? Who is living in a way in which they are solely defined by their creator and are living for none other than that?

I have had a hard time finding this in myself-as well as others.

Last night I sat with my friend Emily and had this conversation. It was after mid-night, but we proceeded outside anyway. We found a side-walk, laid down and picked apart our messy lives that are clearly not defined in the gospel. It's interesting this way of life into which we have been trying to cram our sinful nature into. This way of life in terms of "I will never be able to do anything to earn Christ's love or acceptance" or "how come I can't feel God's grace in a tangible way, when He's promised it."

I have been a Christian for all these years, yet I am continually seeking approval of others (most of the time in ministry situations!) to fill this void and to be built up. When will I get it and just forget about everyone else. I am working on pushing everyone else out of this relationship with my Jesus-and maybe then it will be us, and I will content with only His definition of me...and all the written promises He has shown me will jump off the page and into my life.

He is continuing to speak to me in instructing me to dwell on true things in His word...even when other things are messy.

Monday, June 20, 2011

bills bills bills

Not having school loans is hard, you know? I am continually just working my brains out to meet the dang Moody payment plan payment every month and well, it's becoming quite exhausting. Actually it's already been exhausting. So since I am a whopping 21 years old, and entering into my senior year my parents have informed me they no longer will be paying the half of my school bill. Ultimately I will be getting loans, this last year of much is still pending. This was quite shocking but the Lord was quick to comfort me-because he always provides. I proceeded to apply for a scholarship from the school in hopes that I would receive it.

On Thursday I got a phone call claiming I had not gotten the scholarship and that it had been given to someone else.

Why? Why don't I ever get chosen for these sorts of things. How come I have to pay so much to be at a tuition-free school. Why doesn't the Lord show up in big ways and just send a big fat check right down from heaven. I am tired. I am sick of letting money rule my life and operating so intricately around it.

Today I recieved a phone call from my precious Grandmother-she said it was urgent. I was expecting a card game of  Rumi or some new way to make ice tea for me to try, instead she greeted me at the back door, waiting in anticipation. Her bright blue eyes and wrinkled smile winked at me.. "I have something for you."

Usually when she says that it is a comestic bag she found at the dollar store or foot scrub for the shower. Not this time. She reached behind her back and handed me an envelope. As I smiled at her I opened it...pulled it out and stared at all the numbers that were before  the decimal point. Wow. The check was for the exact amount that my scholarship I hadn't received was worth.

Jesus, thank you for working through my sweet Grandmother. I don't know why I doubt you. You ALWAYS have provided for me. And I beleive you will continue.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

loosing a brother...or gaining a sister

Christopher Michael Parker, my precious brother is now a married man. After pursuing Calla Young, who is also is co-worker she finally gave in ;) I can remember being at the Tap House, eating wings with him one night and saying "hey you should ask that girl you work with out on a date..." It wasn't long until they began having "movie nights" and going on dates. And after some ups, and downs, they were extremely serious, and I knew he was serious about her.

It was my birthday, November 30th, after his trip to New York to meet her family that he called to say he was going to pop the question. I was shocked, taken back...but a part of me was sad. As I hung up the phone, something heavy sunk into me. Things are about to change, my family is going to change..yet more so my brother is about to change. This sibling relationship was going to be rocked or maybe even shook. 

As more of the conversations with him progressed, and one long sushi date at RA, I began to realize how much joy she had brought him and how the Lord was truly filling the desires of his heart. His face was just beaming, I remember it as if it were last week. I felt like I should have sent him to a theme park and put him on a roller coaster to burn off all the excitement that he had built up. It was such a sweet memory that I'll remember forever. 

There are so many memories like the previous that I have of him and Calla's relationship. They are so dear to me. After they were engaged she asked me to go to the florist with her to help decide on flowers. I felt really special and acknowledged that she'd ask me! Anyway we went to lunch and it was great, as I sat on the train on the way back to the city I began to think. When I was a little girl I had ALWAYS wanted a big sister, and then as I grew older and really loved my brother and appreciated him I was completely content and didn't see a need for another sibling.

However, just in the past couple months I have been so blessed to realize what a blessing it will be to have an older sister. Calla is extremely wise and I will as though I will be benefitting highly from being under her wise council and being apart of our family. She is so fun, makes my brother extremely happy and would truly be defined as a woman of the Lord. I am so excited to continue in our relationship and continue to grow it through the years. 

Little to say, I'd define that day as gaining a sister, no longer identifying with the words 'loosing my brother.' She is a part of our team now and I'm so utterly joyed! 

Saturday, June 4, 2011

I finally gave in..

I am so glad to have finally given in and set one of these up. With the help of Kambly, my bestie I am here and excited to start documenting this nutty life I am living. 

Currently I am doing an internship program with my church from home, Hill Country Bible Church. ( It started last Sunday, but I didn't start until Wednesday because well my brother got married last weekend.  That will be left for a later blog.) ANYWAY I am tired, really tired and diving right into this has been just a whirlwind. I am excited though. I am living in this hotel room (extended stay) with 2 other girls, whom I think are really fun. And we do something different every night of the week, yes, EVERY week night. There are like 6 guy groups, and 2 girl groups, 40 college students total. I hardly know anyone, which makes it interesting. I can go into more detail as the summer progresses, and I too learn more about what I am doing :)